Never Complain and Never Explain

“Never complain and never explain.” – Benjamin Disraeli

Luke-and-TerryWhen I fail to do something I promised to myself or others, there is a strong desire to explain why it was so damn difficult to get it done. “X happened, then Y happened. I’m sorry, I hope you understand.” As if a good excuse will somehow patch things up temporarily until I can prove myself next time.

Every time I hear others make excuses (even very legitimate ones) I cringe. I’m starting to understand that if you let your mind go to excuses, then it actually makes quitting easier. The worst part of that is it makes quitting easier NEXT TIME and the time after that and so on.

My goal is that if I can’t do something, I simply provide the fact: “I will not get it done” and nothing else. Step 2 is take quietly the painful reality of that failure. Step 3 is figure out how and work my ass off to not be in that position again.

This is very important in my work, but the great thing about grappling is that it gives me an opportunity to practice that mindset on a daily basis in a very direct way. For example, if I decide to do 8 sets of hard training, and I’m exhausted after 6 sets, I don’t think “I’m exhausted, I don’t think I can do another one”. Instead, I don’t even allow my mind to consider the possibility of quitting. Basically, exhaustion transforms from an excuse for quitting into just an aspect of the reality in which I’m existing. If I make a decision to do 8 sets, then I will do it. If later, I feel that 8 sets is too many, then next time I’ll decide to do 7 sets or 5 sets or 3 sets, whatever, but once the decision is made, it must be accomplished.

It’s not easy to do. I’m struggling with this every day. It’s very tempting to promise to myself and others that I will compete in this or that tournament, or that I will attend this or that training session. But I don’t want to live life on a cloud of promises as many dreamers do. For myself, I want to be the guy that decides, acts, and never quits.

When Going Through Hell, Stop and Smile

There’s a 6-hour Discovery Channel documentary back from 2000 following a class of 80 Navy SEAL candidates through BUD/S training. All the parts are on YouTube, here’s one of the parts that looks at “Hell Week”:

I’ve watched it before I started jiu jitsu, but I’m rewatching it now with a whole new perspective. Here are some lessons I draw from it:

Teamwork

Certain challenges are made easier with a tight-nit team. Most of these challenges are of mental nature. It seems that surviving extreme cold, sleep deprivation, or physical exhaustion is somehow made easier in a group of brothers. This mental aspect of team members carrying and supporting each other applies to jiu jitsu. Though ultimately you are alone out there on the mat against your opponent, the process of the grind is made easier with a strong support group.

The Reason for Quitting

This may be obvious to people that have gone through a difficult challenge for which they volunteered, but ultimately if you quit it’s because you ask yourself the question: “Why am I doing this?” It’s an interesting question, because it doesn’t have a good answer when you’re suffering. Any challenge we take on voluntarily can seem stupid and pointless when looked at “rationally”. And when your body is going through hell, that stupid kid inside that just wanted to overcome a difficult challenge is suddenly silenced, and the rational old man starts chiming in. So in a way, one of the things you have to be ready for when facing a difficult task is to silence that “rational quitter”. Basically, you have to be rational on a full stomach, and when you start getting hungry, follow the plan and don’t think too much. The rational brain can in fact get in the way of success.

Smile when the pain comes

One of the most impressive people in this class was Travis Lively. No matter how tough things got he looked like he was almost laughing at how easy it all was, like he was chilling at a backyard barbecue with his drinking buddies. It didn’t look like he was in the best shape physically, even had a little fat on him. But he was having fun, and even at the worst of times was able to summon a smile or a lighthearted comment. There’s something to that. Over and over I see the baddest dudes out there are the ones that are having fun in the heat of battle. That’s the ultimate goal. Do whatever it takes to put yourself in the mindset that’s laughing at misery your body is going through.

Overall, the guys that pass this training are straight-up badasses. There is no way around it. They’re not flashy. They’re not dramatic. They just get the job done, with respect, and without any excuses.

Never Quit

I got the chance to witness the promotion of two guys to black belt that truly are inspirations on the mat (even though I’ve known them only a short time): Chris Tufts and Mike Ammon (aka “Pop Pop”). The picture above is of Jared and Wilson breaking in the two new black belts at BJJ United last night.

Ray also came up, and even gave me a ride back! We had a good conversation about life, judo, and jiu jitsu.

Anyway, Pop Pop (if I’m allowed to call him that) gave a great speech after receiving his black belt. He was incredibly humble, speaking volumes with just a few genuine words. One advice he gave was to “never quit”. He emphasized that there are a lot of ways to experience and enjoy jiu jitsu, but you always have to keep coming back to the mat through tough times and good times alike. The reason, he said, you shouldn’t allow yourself to quit in any aspect of jiu jitsu is because once you let a little bit of that quitter inside your mind, you will quit in other aspects of your life when things get tough. Basically, jiu jitsu is your chance to practice overcoming obstacles one day at a time, grinding through it, coming out a better human being at the other end of it.

The “never quit” really spoke to me. I often get on the mat after (or before) a LONG day of work, with little sleep, getting beat down by an aggressive opponent. I’ll have trouble breathing, some body part feeling especially weak, sore, or hurt, etc. The question then is: why not quit? Well, I think Pop Pop reminded me that quiting in these seemingly unimportant cases opens the door for the quitter mindset to enter your outlook on life, and then quiting will start to appear as an option in every challenging task you take on. And then quiting will become easy and natural. So perhaps winning the little battles over yourself on the mat has a much greater long-term importance than might at first seem. Maybe that is the greatest challenge and opportunity that jiu jitsu has presented me with: a chance to hone and master the “never quit” mindset.

Hit the Road Jack

I’m becoming more and more of a fan of the Fightworks Podcast. A lot of the conversation is at times uninteresting, but there a few gems, especially when they interview world-class competitors.

They do a poll every week and on October 30, 2010, they asked “If your relationship with your significant other depended on it, would you quit training BJJ?”. Link to the poll

It surprised me that 49% of people said they would quit BJJ, and only 38% said they wouldn’t quit.

This got me thinking about my own relationships and what makes a relationship with a workaholic that trains jiu jitsu succeed or at least last longer than a week. I’m obviously passionate about what I do. And I think if the girl likes the “passionate” part, the relationship will work. Meaning, she doesn’t have to necessarily care about the activity (research, judo, jiu jitsu) at first, but in her value system an obsessive pursuit of a goal should be high up there. Otherwise, it will seem ridiculous to her the amount of energy that I allocate to work and when I’m dead tired from work spending the remaining moments on the mat training.