Tag Archives: friendship

Imagine Losing Everything

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The Holmes and Rahe stress scale lists 43 stress-inducing life events assigning a stress level number to each. If more than one happens to you within a year, you’re supposed to add their numbers up and the resulting number will help determine whether the stress level will likely break you.

I learned of this scale when I was a wee lad of 19 or 20 and remember being profoundly moved by the (obvious) fact that the big traumatic events were still all ahead of me. It put the troubles that concerned me at the time into perspective. By the way, the scale itself, like most things in psychology and sociology is a generalization that makes a point but obviously is not some universal meter of trauma applicable in all cases. It’s a mix of science and philosophy, kind of like well-run political polls.

old-man-aloneI think trauma of any kind has a silver lining in that it puts all our “problems” into perspective. It’s a punch in the face that reminds you that life is precious, finite, and sometimes shitty. So, you should enjoy every non-shitty bit.

I’ve changed in the last few years in my relationship with material goods. I’ve come to put less value in inanimate objects like cars, books, furniture, apartments, etc and more value in people and ideas. One of the ways I’ve arrived at this way of thinking is the simple thought exercise: imagine losing everything you own. And then try to imagine what you will miss most. At first, the material goods might seem valuable, but if you honestly spend time thinking about it in the context of your life, I think their value will quickly erode. It did for me at least.

I don’t mean to sound all hippy-like. I think that the pursuit of money and material wealth can be an exciting one, and provide meaning and pleasure, and in many ways is the kind of pursuit that is at the core of the capitalism. But for me, in a world where nothing is permanent, I like to roam in the realm of ideas not things. That’s why I have gravitated towards the “things” I can’t hang up on a wall: a challenging book, a heated debate with a stranger, or a simple conversation with a long-time friend.

For the record, here are the 43 traumatic events from most to least stressful:

  • Death of a spouse 100
  • Divorce 73
  • Marital separation 65
  • Imprisonment 63
  • Death of a close family member 63
  • Personal injury or illness 53
  • Marriage 50
  • Dismissal from work 47
  • Marital reconciliation 45
  • Retirement 45
  • Change in health of family member 44
  • Pregnancy 40
  • Sexual difficulties 39
  • Gain a new family member 39
  • Business readjustment 39
  • Change in financial state 38
  • Death of a close friend 37
  • Change to different line of work 36
  • Change in frequency of arguments 35
  • Major mortgage 32
  • Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30
  • Change in responsibilities at work 29
  • Child leaving home 29
  • Trouble with in-laws 29
  • Outstanding personal achievement 28
  • Spouse starts or stops work 26
  • Begin or end school 26
  • Change in living conditions 25
  • Revision of personal habits 24
  • Trouble with boss 23
  • Change in working hours or conditions 20
  • Change in residence 20
  • Change in schools 20
  • Change in recreation 19
  • Change in church activities 19
  • Change in social activities 18
  • Minor mortgage or loan 17
  • Change in sleeping habits 16
  • Change in number of family reunions 15
  • Change in eating habits 15
  • Vacation 13
  • Christmas 12
  • Minor violation of law 11

Let It Go: The Incentive to Resolve Conflict

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In academia, in politics, in life, I often see two intelligent adults build a rift over a disagreement (large or small), fail to resolve it, and continue for the rest of their life with the rift in place.

It’s ego. It’s human nature. But it makes life more difficult. My advice (to myself and others) is to always let it go no matter what. Linger in the muck of anger for a few days, take a few naps, and then patch up the damaged relationship in whatever way that it will no longer be an anchor on your mind. The weight of conflict can take away the freedom to enjoy this short life and to form meaningful friendships along the way.

In politics, shallow bickering seems to be the modus operandi. Somehow it has become a commonly accepted notion that conflict helps win elections. Showing what someone else did badly is more effective than showing what you did well. Perhaps that might be the case in politics, but I still hold out hope for the personal interactions of regular human beings. There are very few conflicts I can imagine that cannot be resolved through a little swallowing of pride. It might hurt for a day, a week, a month, but it will make life more enjoyable, more productive, and more meaningful in the long term (years, decades).

I’m often reminded of the Borat clock radio “great success”:

There will always be someone with a clock radio that you can’t afford. Let it go.

Hikikomori: The Dim Underworld of Society’s Ghosts

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I was introduced by a friend to the word hikikomori which is a Japanese term that refers to a person who seeks extreme degrees of isolation. Apparently, this is a widespread phenomenon in Japan.

After reading about it a bit online and watching some videos, this seems to be almost a part of their national identity, and is closely connected to the growing power of computer games to consume an individual’s life to the point that all other activities fall off the radar of interest. It’s a drug with the addictive power of hard drugs, but without the associated ability of those drugs to kill you.

I think many of my ex-girlfriends would characterize me as someone who doesn’t get out nearly enough. I think it’s important to hear that, and understand that, but it’s also important to be able to live life the way I want to without regret. I love good intelligent conversation with close friends. I love reading books that challenge me or fill me with awe. I love doing jiu jitsu and judo. And more than that, I love learning cutting-edge ideas and coming up with new ones myself in and around the field of computer science. Often times, all that somehow adds up to me having to say “no” to a lot of parties and social outings. This creates a perception of hikikomori, but I think that’s very far from the truth.

I’m not scared of life, of people, and of pursuing my passions with all the dedication I can muster.

But I very much find it fascinating that there is large mass of people who are pursuing their passions, and in so doing somehow gradually fall off the path that is healthy for their happiness and productivity, and find themselves trapped in the cage of their sterile habits and dim isolated existence. I suppose it is the danger that anyone with a singular passion risks. But a successful life requires successfully walking the line between crazy and happy.

Most Enemies Start Out As Friends

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I was reading about “terrorism after the death of Bin Laden”, and what caught my eye was a comment that many of the worst dictators started out as “friends” of the U.S. While this is a loaded political statement, it made think about my own life. I don’t have any enemies (that I know of), but I’ve observed many friendships between people that turned to very bitter, tense feuds.

That’s certainly true with divorced couples and it’s also sometimes true with long-time friends. The thought that struck me is that the reason such close friends can become “enemies” is because they shared so many dreams, fears, secrets, etc with each other, that any violation of trust beyond a certain threshold is magnified ten fold. To me, that’s both tragic and beautiful.

There’s no moral to this story. It’s just a short note on the absurdity of life.

Easiest Way to Live: Remember the Positive, Forget the Negative

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In interactions with close friends, casual acquaintances, shifty eyed neighbors, overly complimentary coworkers, and bitter ex-girlfriends, I’m learning one simple truth…

Reality: People have a lot of good qualities and a lot of bad qualities (the good and the bad being purely subjective judgements).

Easiest way to live: Forget people’s bad qualities, and remember their good qualities.

This isn’t some hippie comment about the goodness of people, and that we all should get along. It’s just me acknolwledging that in the long run, life is easier and relationships are more fulfilling if you focus on the good in people (both in their character traits and in their actions).

I have complained about people at times to vent. And I think that’s okay. I grew up in a culture where high-tension confrontational food fights is a way of life. Russians are quick to elevate their voices in arguing about the smallest things. But after the heat of the moment dissipates, there’s always a choice: keep a grudge or let it go. Letting go is the right answer for me 99% of the time.

I’m not preaching forgiveness either, just a message that we are all mortal and will be dead pretty soon, and that assigning immense amount of value to truthy chunks left over from irrational bickering distracts from the few days of contentment that we get to enjoy before it’s all gone.

Get angry only if it’s really needed to send a message in the short term for the better or if it will help you make a positive change. But otherwise, just let it go.

This is something that I enjoy doing, maybe it sounds stupid, but it works for me. If I’ve learned anything about my obsessive brain, it’s that thinking “that guy is an asshole” will quickly turn to “i hate that guy” if I let it. And if you’re not careful that will lead to the worst thing you can imagine… an un-friending on Facebook.

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

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“A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” is a memoir by David Eggers that’s not a memoir, but a manic tale of personal tragedy and family. Both his parents die from cancer (1 month apart) when he is 21. His brother Toph is 8 years old at this time. The book is essentially an untidy story of how Eggers deals with the task of being a parent and brother to Toph in the years after.

I took two points from this book. First, a memoir does not have to be written in the style of Bill Clinton’s “My Life”. This one was written much in the same way as life is often lived: without structure, without apparent meaning or underlying moral, without a feeling that life was all along leading up to something.

Second point I took from the book is that a relationship with another human being (in this case Dave’s brother Toph) can be a simple source of meaning in an absurd world. I don’t mean that in some dramatic way. In fact, for all practical purposes, this relationship may not appear as anything more than two people walking along the “road of life” together for a time, but in that time, something emerges which almost makes life worth living even when it’s filled with tragedy and a crushing lack of hope. Here’s a quote I liked:

Toph does not know the words, and I know few of the words, but you cannot fucking stop us from singing.